That feeling when you realise, that every guy you've dated, has someone else immediately afterwards or even during the relationship. It takes a toll on your self esteem and on your hopes to find someone else. You are insignificant to that person, they treat like everyone else, take you for granted, or lesser. They perceive you to behave as if nothing is a big deal and that the relationship has ended long back, so why fuss? Those relationships have affected and hurt me, which takes a very long time to recover from. I just don't want to be pushed to an extent, of what I have is just my tears

This is a cry for help,
I don't know how to put myself back together,
I'm like a broken porcelain doll.
I have anger and rage which is uncontrollable,
Feels like I want to punch and kill people.
I'm in despair. 

Oh, how it feels so wonderful when you do so much for a person,
But they seem to let you down every time. 

Expression

I find expression with people,
Much harder than I had before,
I wonder who can I trust,
Or who will tolerate these,
Lurking, deep emotions beneath.
Day by day, less I have to converse,
As I think there's not much to my life,
Or a not much to expect,
But just in these damp, sullen,
Damned depression of mine. 

Help

We all say that we are the heroes of ourselves....
But sometimes I really do wish, deep down
That someday, some one would,
Come and find me,
Help me find my broken pieces,
And put me back together again.
Since I'm trying to recover from my great fall. 

Run

She never even had suicidal thoughts,
More than that, it was the urge to run away,
She wanted to do this because,
So that she wouldn't hate herself,
Instead love herself a little more.

Under those cute giggles and laughs,
Was a girl waiting to push herself out,
But the thing that was pressing her down,
Was the past depression and miseries,
Which still haunt and hurt her till date.

Therefore she wanted to run,
Far far away, till the pain would fade,
Apart from the place that had made her crawl,
To get back up on her two feet,
She did not have the will to be pushed down again. 

Escape from pain

I want to cry, cry really badly.
He wants me to support him,
For the things I want to run away from.
Deep inside, it stings, of all the things he does.
Why never with me?
Is that girl, better than I am?
Every time I think,
I feel like I could have done something more,
Or maybe different.
I hate how I'm still in despair.
No matter how much I recover,
This all still comes crawling back,
With more pain than ever.
I can't wait to run away,
From all of this.
This damsel weeps inside, lost than ever. 

What do you do when the person you once loved with all your heart, has become so painful to you.
That you slowly force yourself to not care anyone more, yet it is so scary?
For whenever I try express and let my heart out, with a lot of thinking,
It is misunderstood and taken in way that angers him.
Why must I tolerate the symbol who was the root cause to the hurtful five months?
So I have conveyed my thoughts, about my discomfort,
He gets annoyed for I have pinpointed at his so called "innocent" girl.
Why must I back down? I don't have anything else to lose.
I'm just portraying my emotions, not a crime at all.
I'm not the same, I have changed and I won't let anything ruin the most meaningful things to me. 

Secret

This blog is my secret, a secret that no one shall know.
I want to be known as Shoka Demeana, other than my alter ego.
Hopefully I shall pour myself out, without being identified.
Since I do not want people to connect the real me with the inner self of mine.
I don't know how long this will go on till.
I really crave for something bright in my life.
All I witness are bumps and potholes.
But I feel shameful for ranting, but I need a place.

Being Shoka Demeana

No one shall know who I really am.
I hope people do not connect the dots,
Because I don't want them to identify me,
with my problems.

That is why I am Shoka Demeana,
To a name that pens down my inner emotions.
"Shoka" means sorrow in Sanskrit.
Obviously, you all must be knowing what "demean" stands for.

Maybe some day, I shall jot down the main source of this misery.
It's the root cause, which later on created a stem and later on the branches.
There are now various sub parts to this feeling now.

Keeping it in

I weep inside, no one knows.
I bottle things up now. I have become more reserved.
I feel like no one understands me, nor can I explain this excruciating emotion.
I don't want to burden others and keep on talking about it.
After sometime, people will get sick and won't care.
So, I am taking precaution of not saying anything at all.

I feel lonely and hurt. When I try to make myself happy,
I try really hard and it works for a week or so.
But, something, always, small or big, however significant,
Just hits me so hard every time. I fall again. I feel bad.
I am hurt, I can't get rid of it.
That's why I am waiting to get out, so I can run away.
Hypothetically and metaphorically, of course.

Not a poem or a prose. A jumble of words.

It's been several months, I feel like everything is a roller coaster.
I try and work, to feel better, be better. 
At times, I feel at the top of the world, ambitious and courageous.
Then there are days where I feel let down, so easily.
Self-esteem has been hard to gather and collect now.
I can't get over feeling damned and hurt.
Heartbreak is a cruel occurrence. 

I feel lonely. Wait, correction. I am lonely. 
Don't get me wrong, of course I have friends, very good ones.
But, deep down inside there is this sense of abandonment.
I crave to be loved again and held. Sadly, I do not even remember how it feels.
People say that time will do its thing.
I believe that nothing has happened. Time, you have not helped me.
Trust me, I am not giving up, but I am discouraged.
I need something that will show me light.